Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
