OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Define "chronic" masturbator.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
How does one acquire holy water?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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