so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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