Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
