I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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