I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
