i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
