i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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