btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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