hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
