You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
