last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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