its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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