Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize