Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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