Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
There's even glitter on my cock...
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