I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
