I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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