asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
