Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
