i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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