Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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