Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
