i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
