I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
