he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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