I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize