Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
