if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
