Swine flu. Run for my life!
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
