Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
