I don't think brook has ever known best
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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