walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
