my mouth tastes like poor choices
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
