70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
