my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
