My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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