I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Randomize
