nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
