you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
