If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
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