Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
