I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
