my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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