Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You left your phone here
Wait...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
