I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
