the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
