I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
