reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
COCAINE IS GR8
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
