I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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