plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
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