go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I fill condoms, not promises.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
