lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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