CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
