dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
