Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
