U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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