my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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