i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
that's an acceptable place to lick
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
