hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
