I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I stole a fireplace last night.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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