i barfeds in our rink
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Come see our sink grown plant.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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