Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
